


Admission [October Challenge]

by darkrogue1 (Lily_Haydee_Lohdisse)



Category: Kyou Kara Maou!
Genre: First season’s spoilers. + Susanna Julia. Unbetaed., M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-10-14
Updated: 2006-10-14
Packaged: 2018-07-29 13:21:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7686091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lily_Haydee_Lohdisse/pseuds/darkrogue1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From denial to acceptance, Conrad remembers his first admission of being love with Yuuri. Conrad’s pov.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Admission [October Challenge]

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Français available: [Admission (fr)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7907977) by [darkrogue1 (Lily_Haydee_Lohdisse)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lily_Haydee_Lohdisse/pseuds/darkrogue1)



> The other day, I started a [reflection](http://lilyhaydee.livejournal.com/19098.html) about Conrad, Gunther and sword fighting. There was a remark about how you were supposed to suppress emotions while fighting, and I remembered a face in the first season : Conrad was fighting. His face wasn't determinate and expressing effort as usual though : it displayed fear, hate, anger, despair... all the negative emotions that would make someone loose a fight. I then started to ask myself why he had those emotions displayed on his face, and this is my theory.  
>  One could argue that it only was because Geigen Huber threatened one of his important persons and Conrad didn't want history to repeat... but since Conrad was acting in a more daring way after that, I decided otherwise.

conradcentric's October contest : Like I said above, the first time Conrad finally admits being in love with Yuuri.

\--------------

It started with teasing and incongruous accusations, but of course they weren’t founded. I wasn’t in love with His Majesty back then. Certainly, he and I already shared something : I was sent on Earth with his future soul and with the duty to protect him after all. At that time I certainly wasn’t impartial to the white and very round sphere I was carrying with me ; I never pretended Susanna Julia was nothing to me. I saw the future king’s world, met with his parents, learned about the life he would lead… of course this helped to bring us closer. After all, I am the only one around here who actually knows where he comes from and the difference between our worlds.  
  
When Yuuri was born… I admit I hadn’t been feeling very well ever since the war, and the warmth of both Shoma and Miko Shibuya eased some of that… But when I first saw the newborn king, something loosened in my chest. He was but a baby, a fragile little thing, but he represented the future and the hope, and I was confirmed in my resolution to dedicate my life to the service of this new Maou.  
  
This and this only was the reason why I felt so strongly about him : he was the Maou and a hope for a better future, maybe for a world at peace, just maybe… Of course when I first met him again here, in Shinmakoku, he was nothing of what I had imagined… and yet he was. It was something different, a new way of thinking but so pure and kind, that awakened old echoes of Susanna Julia’s voice…  
  
Yes, in some ways he reminded me of her and represented that hope: both reasons for which I gave him that pendant. I have responsibilities toward this king, both as a mentor and a protector… and not only because I am his godfather at 20%. So of course I hadn’t fallen for him because he was cute or some other allegation that had come through Yosak’s disturbed mind… and of course I wouldn’t be so insensitive as to allow myself to be attracted by my brother’s fiancé.  
  
No, the only reason why we were close was that knowledge of his world that we shared. That and the fact that us being close, and he confiding to me, has brought me to understand the way he thinks… most of the time. He still regularly manages to surprise me, and always in a good way. I wish I could make him smile and laugh the way he does me.  
  
No, this was no love, no romantic thing : he was -- and still is -- a nice person, of course it felt natural and comforting to be by his side.  
  
I still don’t know when it started to change, but I exactly can tell you when I realised it.  
  
It came as an unsettling event. It is said that you never know what you had before you loose it. Of course I had feared for His Majesty’s life before, it wasn’t the first time someone had tried to kill him either… still something disturbed me greatly, I felt unbalanced. Everything happened so close together, but looking back I still can pinpoint it : it wasn’t Greta’s knife that threw me off, it was Geigen Huber’s sword.  
  
Just when I noticed that Yuuri had grown up, that he nearly was sixteen, that he was considered able to be a father… just then that sword kept attacking at him, and him only, as if it knew it was my weak point. And he was. It threw me off, completely.  
  
I hated it, I hated him. Just before he attacked I sensed something was off, I was unsure with myself because that man was strong, and Wolfram was letting his anger override him, so I first feared for Wolfram and by extension for us all.  But then changed direction and went for Yuuri, and my heart skipped a beat, oppressed by fear as I drew my sword to stop the strike.  
  
Then I felt some resentment : how dare this man attack His Majesty ! If his goal was me as I supposed, why go for the obviously weaker one ? This was not the feat of a swordsman, and I felt contempt.  
  
He spoke then, and I recognised him… Geigen Huber… that condemned man… but more than his presence, more than his existence, it was his words that disturbed me. He had stricken a chord inside me, one that I didn’t think would echo to such an extent. He had hit me with a truth that I didn’t even suspect.  
  
I don’t know for how long we held that stance, but each second felt like an eternity in hell for me. My whole world was sent crashing down again. I can still feel it now, as I remember… Horror, it was the deepest horror that I was being plunged in.  
  
Yuuri… I had… I had allowed myself to slip, to let myself care more for him than I should… in that instant I realised exactly how I was looking at Yuuri, and I hated that man for it. I hated him and I hated him, and I wanted to kill him for saying that truth aloud. Even if he only had murmured it, it still resounded into my ears and I felt as if the whole world knew of my downfall.  
  
So I stroke, I passed his parade with force and stroke, willing blood and guts to spill, willing this man gruesome death… I was too tense, too forceful, too slow, and he dodged, leaving me fully open to a counter-strike. It never came. He threw himself in the opening but instead of finishing me off he went past me and at Yuuri again.  
  
This I could not allow, this I could not stand, I must kill him, wipe this scum of the face of the Earth, so I threw myself after him and lunged with a large vertical sweep, never mind the openings I left. He had his back turned to me and I stroke, shouting my hurt, hate and despair, willing my heart to keep pushing up and strangle me as I finished to cry out, wishing that I could die the same instant my blade would go through his skull.  
  
Yuuri shouted something I didn’t hear and Geigen Huber turned, and when my sword finally hit - slow, so slow - he was facing me again... He fell.  
  
The resistance I had felt from cutting his mask and the way he fell both told me that he was alive, and somehow I resented it. I hated myself more than him at that second, I loved Yuuri. I don’t know how I found my voice to answer the king when he asked if my opponent was dead. I felt disgusted, this man wasn’t dead yet, however I was but a killer. I wasn’t supposed to feel something so strong for someone so pure. I felt I had failed him completely. And I added that to all the bad feelings I could have towards the man now lying on the floor : this was all his fault after all.  
  
Trying to remain neutral when Yuuri wished for him to be healed was hard, but for Yuuri I could do it. Admitting to Wolfram that Yuuri had been targeted because of me was a kind of penance I guess, but even with what Geigen Huber said, even with my words confirming it, neither of them seemed to understand the real reason, my wretched love. It had remained hidden and only been revealed to me. So maybe, maybe it would be all right. No one would ever know, least of all Yuuri, I would make sure of it… No one should ever know of this love that was never meant to be.  



End file.
